Autumn Performance Review: The First

friday 11 december

Today was Ada's three month birthday. A whole season. Her first autumn. As of three days from now, my uncle's birthday, Ada is actually an entire year old. If you count me like that the beginning of my life was on that uncle's baby sister's birthday. Who counts it like that anyway? Just me I guess - maybe the Chinese. Anyway, she and I took the opportunity during an undies switcheroo to shoot three month old pictures. I'd say my photography is improving, but really I think it's the beautiful babe just showing off her innate sweetness.

Ada loves to look at, interact and flirt - with anyone she can. Of course she likes to do it from the safety and comfort of my arms, but who can really blame her? She is just barely an infant after all. I can't imagine if the first, best source of food, shelter and safety were at once taken away. It would be a terrifying having come from a world where the dark has a pinkish hue and the temperature never changed to this one. With light. And (more) sound. Smells and an obscene amount of stimuli.

Her hands are her second best friends. You win a dollar if you go to my contact form and guess correctly Ada's first best friends (please include your address). The day she discovered she and I were the same, both blessed with a set of magical, marvelous hands is a whole other post. She loves having her gums brushed and prefers it after meals several times a day. Her hair has actually grown so much I can put two inch long braids in it.

It's been an ever-growing level of amazement watching our baby daughter grow from a very hungry caterpillar to a partially aware creature to a fully functioning human being. She still can't forage, so we're enjoying this so-called extogestation. She's been handling taking the job of her placenta beautifully. I'm down about seven percent most days because my body is still sustaining her, but it's worth it. The intricate bond she's forming with my hands and arms, my hair, my voice, and my face all separately as well as the bond with her daddy is the meaning of life right now.

She's already keeping me on track - tonight while I was preparing supper; whole wheat couscous with cabbage, onion and ground turkey - she hollered at me when the water had started to boil. No kidding people. The thing I've found to be most interesting is how upset she gets every single time I'm talking about her in a way that would embarrass an adult. (see: bodily excretion.) She understands just about everything and can't stand it when people don't take her seriously, appear to be having a laugh at her expense and not listening to her in general. From the way she sees it, she's gone to the trouble of telling you what she needs. Maybe not in the king's English - but still. The way I see it, if she's going to act civilized - I'm going to accommodate her.

Today was a day filled with sunshine, clear skies and only eight degrees of heat. We're on day three of cloth diapering and man. Oh man. I love it. The washing part doesn't bother me because it's so easy, just as easy as spending twenty bucks a week on disposables. And cute. So flippin' cute. We're getting her some Dr. Seuss fitted diapers for a holiday gift. I think that and some sort of adorable knit sweater of our choice. We've been incredibly blessed with hand-me-downs from my buddy Lizzie's baby girl who is three months almost to the day older than Ada. And my mom has been unable to help herself with the baby clothes, again I can't seem to blame her as she's only seen Ada the first week of her life. As nice as it's been I'm looking forward to picking something out for her, because if I get another thing made out of chenille I might implode. That stuff feels strange especially when it's wet and it makes Ada sneeze. And itch. And oh boy angry. Having to hike across the road to do a load of diapers everyday is proving success in our business and life. Sets the pace for the day and gets each of us out of the house for fresh air and light at least every other day. I absolutely cannot complain.

In case you're curious, my very favorite flavor of ice cream is pink peppermint. preferably with no hard candy chunks. The Kountry Pantry has Friendly's Peppermint Stick (with no stick, only creamy pink) and we chased dinner with half a cup of pink confetti ice cream for Ada's third month. Live long and prosper, happy birthday Ada!

Ten Weeks.

wednesday 02 december

Things have been pretty hectic around here. The longest stretch of sleep I've had in the last three months has been about six hours. One time. All the other nights we (Ada and I) wake up every two hours. Sure, I've gotten eight or sometimes even ten hours of sleep overnight, but there is a difference between sleeping that long at one go and breaking it up.

So yes, she has been 'letting me sleep'. Add that to wrapping up a banner year for our business and the contsant battle of boundaries (see: respect mine.) and it has been interesting to say the least in the Smyth household.

Some of the more joyful things happening involve Ada's recognition of not only her hands, but mine as well. The other day as Ada was admiring her fists, I started to copy her movements with my own hands. After a minute or two the realization crept over her face. She looked at her hand, then at mine, and then hers again. The same of our opposite hands spread an enormous smile across her face as she realized that we BOTH have hands! Isn't that exciting?! Don't you want to stuff them in your mouth just because you can, Mama? Don't you? Ninety seconds later she's still elated at how amazing, fun, and yummy life is. Someone might call this a misapprehension, but as this development has led to periods of twenty to forty minutes of Ada entertaining herself, I support her fully in that thinking. Fun. Yummy. Amazing. That about sums it up.

Also, the arrival of the Sleepy Wrap, a genius device constructed of merely 16.5 feet of fabric. Has transformed my experiences entirely. Afternoon naps are now three hours long, instead of five false starts. I'm logging work hours everyday, and surprise! it's more time than before Ada entered our lives. Also, Ada seems to have found her voice, the beginnings of it at the very least, so getting distracted doesn't happen as often - Ada will generally yell at me until I'm back on task. She's also taken to telling Nathan about her day when they're getting her pajamas on, or changing her underpants.

I haven't updated. There's why. Things have been busy. And oh yeah, a newborn? W-H-O-A. This formerly complex caterpillar creature (now a fully communicating human being) has snatched up all the real estate remaining in my head, heart, body, etc. Add that to the Oxytocin rushes every other hour (no, seriously) thanks to nursing and this mama bear is tuned to a different frequency altogether. Fending off people I don't know occurs more than I'm comfortable with, I actually had a greeter shuffle chase us down and then proceed to TRY AND TOUCH our daughter. Can I get an 'oh no she didn't'? Anyone?

We're building Ada's website - someday. But! It is designed already. As in real pixels already formed. This slideshow was made at least one, but probably two weeks ago. There's hasn't been a new photo up on her site for quite a while, but in the meantime we've been cooking up some fantastic things so just now I'm looking forward to what 2010 brings. Infancy among other things.

the labor story

friday 02 october

I Googled 'birth center pa' less than two months after we moved here. I knew that I wanted a birth center birth even before we were sure about trying for another baby. The results gave me a purple-doored place in Pittsburgh's Strip District. I don't think it gets cooler than that. I understood that the cost would be less, and the care more personal. The type of care I needed. Providers who respected me, my body and my intuition. I was floored by the open-chart policy, the insistence on meeting all of the midwives over the course of pregnancy, and the willingness to educate my husband and I on anything and everything we weren't already knowledgeable about. Home care visits after I had the baby and a nurse's phone call once a week for the first six - in case I needed any additional support. The expectation that my partner be present at my appointments. Looking directly at me and listening to what I had to say.

I can't tell you how many times I was asked what my birth plan was. Every time, I answered the same way - at some point I'll go into labor and then the baby will come out. Birth plans are beautiful when they go the way someone hopes. It just didn't make sense for us to try to plan something so out of our control. Expectations are a tricky thing, and a devastating change in them wasn't something either of us would have been prepared to deal with during the birth of our firstborn. My solution? Limited expectations.

Neither of us expected we'd end up at Allegheny General when we went in for post-date testing. We expected my body would go into labor naturally, not that our placenta would be nearing its expiration date at 41 weeks 2 days. It took Nathan a little while to come around to the idea of a hospital birth. I probably would have been more upset if he hadn't been so upset, but as it were I was able to adjust my own expectations rather quickly so that the impression I made on the nurses was a positive one. What other choice did I have? A hospital birth was what was going to happen regardless of how I felt about it because the safety of our daughter was at stake. I was flooded with relief when Kara, one of our midwives walked past our room and stopped, said she was there for me - and that she'd been waiting, wondering when I was going to have our baby.

They started the Pitocin drip at noon. My cervix was about 50% effaced and closed. I started having contractions in the first half hour, but couldn't really feel them until two - at which point Kara swept my membranes for the second time. Contractions started to get a little more intense around three and if I may, induced labor is not natural, in case any of you were wondering. I was coached through the possibility of an epidural because of the increased intensity of contractions brought on by synthetic Oxytocin. I wanted to hold off - all the way to birth if possible. At six, I was only dilated to a one. Those hours of contractions every three minutes are a little fuzzy. There are bits of footage where I'm making different faces, half listening to what was going on around me. I felt a lot more lucid than I looked in those videos. I remember how uncomfortable the straps were on the monitors tracking my contractions and Ada's heartbeat. I vaguely remember being irritated that I was bound up in those straps, the IV, the blood pressure cuff and unable to walk around without carrying all that with me. Those things seemed so unimportant, even then.

What I do remember is my husband, looking at me with compassion in his face while I rode through contractions that felt like they were destroying my insides, sneaking me a turkey sandwich. I remember my midwife rebraiding my hair, and rubbing my back while Nathan rubbed my feet when the contractions started besting me. I kept telling everyone I was fine. At one point - Kara looked me right in the eye and said, "Yes, you are fine.". I remember Kathy sitting with me talking about dentists - because they sustain my home and family, and as strange as it sounds - bring me comfort. The cool, air-conditioned birthing suite and the three enormous windows with the most kick ass view imaginable.

I know that it took the anesthesiologist almost two hours to come for my epidural, and once my brain had checked out of coping mechanisms and surrendered to the possibility of drugs labor became near unbearable. I maintain this was a mental shift as my labor hadn't changed, my thinking on the other hand, had. I muscled through eight hours of contractions with no progress with no idea how long it was going to take, but at this point if it was going to be another eight hours of increasing intensity then to hell with my drug-free birth. My natural birth was out the window when we were at the hospital with Pitocin dripping into me through an IV anyhow. During that time, the night shift came on and with it a new nurse. The luckiest nurse I could have had. So lucky that there was hugging and screeing from the midwives when she came into my room. Susan had worked several years at The Midwife Center and was a perfect match for Ada's birthday party. I felt at ease with her right away because she felt very much like an Idahoan. Her hair, skin, eyes, smile - all of it felt warm and familiar. A gift. Three women, practiced together, experienced in guiding hundreds of babies into the world.

It took almost forty five minutes to get the epidural in place thanks to something he called 'tight spaces'. In the meantime, Susan and Kara were coaching me through contractions, scratch/tickling my arm to keep me focused on anything but the Andrew-sthesiologist digging around looking for the center of my back. The gentle cheeping of the epidural brought relief, and the odd sensation that I was at the dentist. The epidural didn't feel like I thought it would - it felt exactly like when the dentist numbs part of your face in order to pull a tooth. Warm, tingly, strange. From the waist down. After it was apparent I wouldn't be having any strange reactions to the drugs - Nathan and I were left to get a little sleep for what everyone was projecting to be at least another four to six hours. As we'd been up since 5:15 that morning, we were grateful for the opportunity and allowed Miles Davis to lull us off.

I was awake half an hour later with contractions akin to what I'd been feeling at around six. My first thought? Epidural = waste of money. Susan came in to check everything and asked me how I was feeling. I didn't lie. She also asked if I was feeling pressure, like I needed to push. I thought about it with my labor-scrambled brains and decided that yes, it felt like it might be time to push. She checked my cervix and smiled, I had dilated from one to ten in under an hour. Kara confirmed this a few minutes later. On top of that Ada had dropped about four stations. Just then epidural = awesome. We kicked around letting the baby labor down a little, but when she saw me feeling so many contractions so much - she asked if maybe I'd like to try pushing.

Yes, please. I pushed for a little over half an hour. That was the fastest half hour of my life. Nathan with one leg, Susan with the other - my two beautiful midwives front and center. I'll tell you, it was surreal watching Ada's head come down little by little, push after push. I've watched videos of live births, where once the head comes out it seems like everything else just tumbles out haphazardly, and quick - crazy quick. I watched it happen but it was in slow motion. Incredible. In one instant she was laying there, completely covered in vernix even though she was 41 weeks, and the next she was up on my chest skin to skin screaming her head off. Using the lungs we'd seen her practicing with on two different sonograms. Alive. I couldn't even focus on the next part. Kathy and Kara had to trick me into delivering the placenta by coughing because I was too distracted by my beautiful family to make any effort at a real push. My strong, patient, kind husband and my amazing, starlight-filled daughter. I thought my heart would burst.

And now? I'm filled with this immense gratitude. The women who provided me with the best care I've ever received through my entire pregnancy, who answered questions and provided education - there isn't anything great enough that would be appropriate to offer them to express this. My birth experience may not have been what I was expecting, but it was in every way what I wanted. I had the support of three amazing, skilled women and the very most of a man. It was beautiful, perfect. My body is whole, and our daughter now three weeks old. Nathan says you just have to accept that your heart can get bigger. I think I can handle that.

38 weeks + 2 days

saturday 22 august

Eating. On this my brain and body have begun to disagree. I only know I'm hungry because I get nauseous. Even then, my brain is all - eh, whatev, we don't NEED it. I'm going to slap the next person who tells me about how many calories I need because really, if you knew anything at all about pregnancy, you'd know that even a full term baby only needs 300 more calories than the recommended daily caloric intake. And that's still less than most Americans consume in a day. Newborns have a stomach capacity of about an ounce. Do you know how small that is?

Heartburn has been pretty constant over the last few days and believe me, I am not complaining. I have had maybe four instances of it the entire time I've been pregnant. I know that is much less than many people experience. So now that I'm at the end? Sure. Why not? There is an entire person hanging out in my abdominal cavity. It makes sense there isn't enough room for much else.

Something I was anticipating, but still bothers me? Baby hungry freaks who call under the guise of 'how is the little mama feeling?' (<-and that? Like that isn't irritating by itself. I have a name, and in that case - an appropriate pronoun) You and I both know that you're only calling to see if I've had the baby so you can get started on all those things that people feel like they're allowed to do because a person is too newborn to insist people respect their personal space. I'm talking to you mouth-kissers. I already feel sort of bad for the first person who tries to mouth-kiss my daughter. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy - but I am her mother and as she is in fact too small to tell people 'no, please, I'd rather you not share your mouth herpes with me', the responsibility rests on Nathan's and my shoulders to demand people treat her the way they would treat anyone else. Ada is a person, not a plaything. Don't worry, we'll probably notify oh, I don't know - THE WORLD when our daughter is actually born. You think you're impatient and ready for that baby to be here? Please.

Really, I could go on. It might seem like my hormones are out of control, and I'm betting the retards who think that are also under the impression they know what I'm like on the day-to-day, but really, I think the end of pregnancy is when the ability to allow inexcusable behaviour to continue ceases. Don't like it? Blow me.

We had an ultrasound last week, because the week prior - Ada had turned breech just before our midwife appointment. It was a bit like a present, because I was secretly hoping for another sonogram. Ada did not disappoint. Head down, using her lungs, and swallowing. Showing off the chubby built up around her kidneys proving that really, only gaining ten pounds has given her what she needed to develop normally. Measuring at exactly where she is with an estimated weight of just under seven pounds. A little surprise? Baby girl has hair. She's also had more periods of increased activity. Instead of one or two huge bursts of movement with little movements in between, we are now experiencing four to five. She's also making clear her dissatisfaction with the lack of space, and we all know the answer to that.

coming home outfit

tuesday 04 august

Many thanks to Liz, her bright-eyed baby girl Rory and of course, the lovely Becky Bouille. My hands are still a little rainbow.

Adorable, no? I still can't get over how small the newborn sized clothes are, but I know that Ada isn't going to stay that small for very long. Note to Universe: Thanks for all the tiny baby clothes, but we have enough of the newborn variety. Adorable, tiny, and temporary. Thanks again.

35 weeks + 3 days

saturday 01 august

Can I just start this by saying how much I love the six-month findability plan? The results of the development techniques we implement are killing me.

While in Pittsburgh for one of my now-weekly midwife appointments, we made several stops and walked far enough that my body ached. I can't remember feeling like this since we started ninja training. When I got up in the middle of the night I could barely put weight on my feet. Crazy. The bottom third of my spine is loose. It hurts and squiggles and it feels like I should be allowed to talk to snakes as some sort of consolation. The rattlesnakes are supposedly migrating but they haven't said anything to me, so I'm guessing the Parseltongue is not a new skill of mine. Today is the first day in almost two weeks that I've cried thanks to the raging tide, and you know what? I don't think that's too bad for almost nine full months of baby + physiological changes.

Remarkably, I'm still as happy and well as always. Sometimes Ada is scooched so far up and still wiggling that I can hardly stand it, but I don't know, it still seems completely worth it. As I haven't really been uncomfortable thus far, and even now it's short bursts of it - I'm still quite grateful for this whole thing.

Just now we're storing up energy for Ada's birthday. I get the feeling she's something of a party animal like her daddy, so we're going to need it.

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